Bound for Freedom- UNDERGOING EDITING!

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Who is your favorite character so far?

Adensha 'Addi' Elvaanheart
0
No votes
Shadowmere Darkwing
1
50%
Mey
0
No votes
Random Dude Who Managed To Sneak Up On Shadowmere And Knock Addi Out (sorry, just had to put that in.
1
50%
 
Total votes : 2

Bound for Freedom- UNDERGOING EDITING!

Postby WilloweWolf » Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:33 am

Bound for Freedom is the story of Adensha Elvaanheart{El-VAN-hart}, more commonly know as Addi. Addi is an escaped slave bound for freedom. In the forest near her former home, the village of Borganottli, she is saved my the strangest pair: A unicorn named Shadowmere and a dog named Mey. When Shadowmere tells her the words of a prophecy, she realizes that it's not only she who is bound for freedom, but the whole country. As she travels all over Athenderon, she sees the horrible proof of corruption and civil war. Will Athenderon come to know peace again? Or will the once-great kingdom fall into ruin?

Content:
Chapter One-Escape! And Questions.(below)
Chapter Two-"The Heart of the Woods"
Chapter Three-The Prophecy
Chapter Four: Shadowmere [WIP]
Legends and Myths
Maps

Oh, and have a link to my Writing Tracker

Chapter One
Escape! And Questions.


Addi dash across the courtyard as if the devil himself were behind her. Shouts sped her up, and she vaulted the low wall, her bag bouncing at her side. "Blast it!" the girl hissed as the guards voices grew louder as they came closer. She darted into the woods, not caring as her raven-black hair snagged on branches. She burst into a clearing where a horse stood tethered to a tree. Blue eyes flicked around nervously from underneath a hood, then she untied the wild mare and swung herself on, her forest green cloak draping over the horse's rump. The mare burst into a fast canter at a gentle kick to ribs from the fourteen year old slave. Well, Addi thought, ex-slave. To late did the escapee see a fallen tree looming ahead, leaning against another tree. The last thing she remembered was the sound of her skull hitting the trunk, and blinding pain as she fell off the mare, unconscious.

~~~


"Do you think she'll be okay?" asked a worried female voice.
A horse snorted on the other side of Addi, "Of course!" The speaker was a male this time. "After all, she is the Chosen." Addi pondered this, and kept her eyes shut in order to hear more. A wet nose pressed against her cheek, and a soft voice, the female, whispered,
"You're safe now, don't worry." Addi opened her eyes, expecting humans. But instead, a pure black unicorn, rather built like a Draft horse, and a cinnamon brown dog looked at her with kind eyes. Addi was confused, the dog, sure it was normal, but unicorns were supposed to be extinct.
"Welcome, Adensha Elvaanheart, to our humble abode, which will be your home for a while." Addi sat up slowly, a puzzled frown on her young face.
"My name, isn't Adensha," she said slowly, "And I have no surname."

The unicorn nickered a laugh as he said, "In your slavery, you were known as Addi, but that is not your true name. You were taken from your mother when you were merely eight." Addi drew breath to speak, but the horse wasn't finished, "I'm Shadowmere, by the way, and this is Mey." He nodded at the dog and she wagged her tail. Addi- Adensha, she guessed, frowned.
"How do you know of my slavery to Michael Barson?" she asked.
"We-" Mey began, "Shadowmere!'' she complained after spitting out his tail.
Shadowmere scowled at Mey, "That is a story for another time, Mey." The dog sniffed disdainfully, but was quiet.

"Would you two quit bickering and tell me what's going on?" Adensha piped, annoyed. She still didn't quite trust Shadowmere.
"Patience, child," nickered Shadowmere. Impatiently. Addi snorted, then Shadowmere nodded at Mey and left the room.

~~~


Two hours later, Mey had Adensha outfitted in breeches and a plain brown shirt. The girl was just finishing tying a green and brown cloak around her shoulders when Shadowmere poked his head in and addressed the young Elvaanheart, "I do hope you can cook, seeing as nether of us can." The girl nodded.
"As long as I have somewhere to do so, and I can gather some ingredients, I should be fine." An hour later, she was eating a delicious stew at a rock outside.


Sorry, kinda wimpy ending, but the chapter [i]needed to end. Sorry.[/i]
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby WilloweWolf » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:00 pm

Legends and Myths

Told by the tavern owner.

The Ghost of the Desolate Wood
You meet this legend in chapter two.
"Long ago, a unicorn, black as night, caused terror to strike the people of Borganottli, a village on the edge of what is now know as Desolate Wood. It set fire to houses, killed cattle, and killed the people. All with the power of it's black horn,it all but destroyed the little town. Then the town guard mustered up it's bravest men,and marched into the unicorn's lair. The forest. Once called Firelight Forest, it became Desolate Wood as soon as the beast was struck down. The killing of the unicorn was the peoples' biggest mistake. From that day on, it's spirit haunted the heart of the Wood, and all who ventured there were never seen again..."
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby Charias » Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:44 am

      Omg, I love your sig /randomness

      Anyway, down to business. *puts on serious face* I absolutely love the first part - it catches your attention, is nice and fast-paced, and it's clear what's going on. I would usually advise that you add more description, but doing that would probably slow it down too much. All in all, it's a good beginning.

      It's the second part that lost me a bit. The thing is, you introduce a unicorn and a talking dog to the character, and yet she seems completely unperturbed. If this is a normal thing in the world your story is set in, maybe you could try mentioning that at some point? And if it isn't a normal, everyday occurrence, it's an opportunity to show a bit of your character's personality - is she scared by these strange creatures? Steeling herself for a fight? Or is she so calm and collected that she takes it all in her stride? Even then you could work some description into that.

      There also isn't much description of your character's surroundings. Something like that would be easy to slip in somewhere either at the beginning of the second part or the third. Just to give the reader a better idea of what's happening.

      Anyway, that's all the critique I can churn out right now. Overall I enjoyed it, and I'm curious to see what happens next! c:
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby WilloweWolf » Fri Jan 17, 2014 4:17 am

Thanks, I'll definitely think about that.
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby WilloweWolf » Sat Jan 18, 2014 5:05 pm

that better? LOL
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby WilloweWolf » Wed Jan 29, 2014 3:49 am

(BUMP)
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby ~Gem~ » Wed Jan 29, 2014 8:37 am

Hello! My name is Gem. I am both a critic and a writer. You're writing, I thought, was very suspenseful and detailed, although I have some suggestions. 1. Right in the first sentence, I noticed some grammatical errors. Next time try reading 3-5 times over it to fix any tiny mistakes left behind. 2. Don't worry, as a critic I see this all the time. As I was reading, although it was beautifully written, I have noticed that you are basically telling the reader what is happening, instead of using more descriptive words to move your story along. A story flows with adjectives, but remember not to pound them. TOO many of them can get annoying and can confuse the reader. Anyhow, it was a fantastic read and I recommend it to other readers and critics. Thank you for your time and make sure to look at my wall every now and then, I'll be posting shortly! I have to keep up with everyone asking me to critique them and work on my story at the same time! Thanks! :clap:
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby WilloweWolf » Sat Feb 01, 2014 2:40 am

Thanks, I'll think on that.
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby WilloweWolf » Wed Feb 05, 2014 2:42 am

Chapter 2
"The Heart of the Woods."


Adensha looked around. This was the first time she had really examined her surroundings. The forest thinned around the clearing, but she could see that the trees grew closer together farther out. A small creek flowed into the woods from a small spring behind the single gigantic tree in the middle of the forest glade. Inside, she knew, were the hollowed-out rooms that Shadowmere, Mey, and, now, Addi lived in. The 'house' had obviously been created by Shadowmere's horn, though the unicorn denied it.

The tree had one comfortable bed(for Addi) in a curtained-off alcove, a comfortable living chair in the main room along with a few cushions, a patch of hay (Shadowmere liked hay, a lot.), and a dog basket filched my Mey from the market, and a room with a hay carpet. Addi's head snapped around as the cinnamon-brown dog approached, wagging her tail. "Hey, Adensha," the lab said. The girl sighed,
"Please, call me Addi." Mey nodded,
"Yes, your majesty," She teased. Adensha rolled her blue eyes,
"Whatever." At a snort of laughter from behind, dog and fourteen-year-old turned around.

"Hi, Shadowmere," Adensha said, glaring at him from beneath a deep hood. He lowered his head in mock repentance,
"I'm sorry, your majesty." The girl snorted in mock disdain, and the unicorn dropped the act.
"Where exactly are we, anyway?'' Addi asked, glancing around once more.
Mey doggie-smiled, "The heart of the woods," She barked.
The heart of the Desolate Wood? Addi thought, biting her lip. What are they thinking?

"Adensha, we are the base of the legend behind the forest," Shadowmere explained gently, "The stories keep us safe." Addi knew what he was talking about, *local legend said the heart of the woods was haunted by the spirit of an evil unicorn. She wasn't so sure she believed that now.

Then there was the soft crack of a twig snapping. Three heads turned, one voice gasped, "Oh no", and Addi fell to the ground unconscious, blood pouring from a wound in her head. Mey was instantly at her side, and saw the bloodied rock that had hit the girl. Shadowmere lowered his horn in the direction it had come from. The tip glowed, and a ball of black, crackling fire shot into the trees. The sound of a second body falling was heard, and the unicorn turned to the girl. Mey had licked away the blood with her rough tongue, and Shadowmere gently tapped the wound with his horn. Adensha woke up, and rubbed her now aching head, "What happened?" she groaned.

"You were attacked," Mey said, deep brown eyes expressing her concern.
"Oh. Why am I not surprised?"


*See post 1 for myths and legends.
Last edited by WilloweWolf on Thu Sep 10, 2015 5:20 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: Bound for Freedom (need critique)

Postby ~Gem~ » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:35 pm

Please look at my story and critique it. Thanks if you do! :thumbup:
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