Mistclan - a warriors fanfiction

[crescent + cheep]

Very lovely Fanged! I love the twist of first person you've put into this. It makes it much more interesting to know we're focusing on a certain cat. You have very good details; I will be reading more once you post more C: I'm about to read chapter one.

Thank you :)

[weegeestar5]

Wow, this is really good! I usually hate reading first-person (or cat. xD) because of the lack of description but this, it's actually like a real author's book. Good job!

[not zinnia]

Before I get to the actual constructive criticism, I'd just like to say that you did a wonderful job on this! The prologue was a bit confusing for me, considering I know absolutely nothing about Warrior Cats. Although, I took a wild guess that "New-leaf" is their term for spring, what with the clues about hibernation and melting snow. [lolcontext clues; I'm smrt~]
Now, onto the part where I'm useful:

Prologue
I really liked this -- the writing style, the tone and most of all the description. Although, there were too many unneeded commas throughout the entire thing. To save space on the thread, I'll send you over a PM with all the edits I'd like to see [if you want, of course], c:
I'll give an example from one of the first paragraphs so it doesn't look like I'm just blowing smoke up my, uh, ears. I think it should be something more like this:

Patrols were sent out while kits tumbled around the camp. It was a large clan with excellent hunters; the reason why most of the clan, except the few that had fallen sick, had survived the past Leaf-bare.

The original phrasing was a bit awkward with all the commas and general wording, and I'm still iffy on the last part of the last sentence: "[...] had survived the past Leaf-bare." because it took me a couple of seconds to get what it meant. I would suggest the word "last", even if it's a bit of a tongue-twister when you read it out loud.
I promise that the edits I want to PM you will not have lengthy reasoning, due to the fact that proper use of punctuation is just something that can't be avoided, c:
And just a quick little correction I want to make:

I still ignored it, heaven knows why, until Bramblemask cried out and gaped at the mountain towering above our camp.

Or something along those lines if you're not into the whole heaven thing~
Also, "Bramblemasks terror" should be "Bramblemask's terror".
So all in all, there wasn't much to critique, other than little grammatical nit-picking and extreme over-use of punctuation.

Chapter One
Again, powerful description and wonderful writing here! The story is immersing and something that's interesting enough to keep reading, so get to work! ;]
Also, same deal as the prologue; there's not much to critique other than the excessive punctuation. But aside from that, here's some parts that I think need to be corrected, if possible:

We had buried the dead two moons ago after digging them out of the snow that had remained after the avalanche.

You already mentioned the fact that they buried the dead in the previous paragraph. I'm not too sure what to do about this, though. Sorry~

I jumped down from my perch atop a large rock that had been discovered after the avalanche[...]

How was it just discovered after the avalanche? Certainly they had known the area very well before the avalanche -- I just don't think it's possible for any new discoveries about the land. Like, how could they have missed a huge rock that's located so close to their camp? xD Gotta think about the logistical stuff like that~~

Half of the den, if you could still call it that, had been washed away.

Ohmygod, I thought I would've had to get rid of commas at this point, xD

Lastly, why does a storm have such huge relevance? You'd think that having just survived an avalanche [which reminds me: they had two whole months to rebuild their camp. Why is it taking so long if they're making everything smaller than it was before?], something so meager as a storm wouldn't even be seen as a blip in their day.
Just my two cents, ^^
And lastly, that was the shortest dream sequence I've ever read, xD
It was a very pleasant read, nonetheless.

Great job; can't wait to read more from you!

[crescent + cheep]

Thank you Strix *delighted at long critique*

To clarify: The rock had appeared with the avalanche; the avalanche had rolled down the mountain, taking stones etc. with it. Thats why it wasn't there before :P

I've got a problem with commas, but believe me; I've been much worse. I used to write paragraph without a single period :P I kind of sway between the two extremes at the moment, so feel free to be nitpicky in that kind of thing :)

Well, the storm is just significant because ( I'll be honest) 1) I wanted to add some description, and 2)these nit-picky cats just don#t like getting thei fur wet - especially after a hard day of working on the camp.
Well, they're just slower at doingnthings, for one thing they have to hunt, and I reckon cats are pretty slow in constructing barriers etc. as they don't have hands.

Well, the dream sequence... I think I got a bit lazy there, but I like it short, actually.It leaves a bit of mystery, and the usual dreams don't last long, at least for me.
I hope that clarifies the questions you had :)
And thank you for the critique and praise.

[nivans.piers]

why would you want the mods to delete this, it's awesome!

[crescent + cheep]

why would you want the mods to delete this, it's awesome!

Thanky, but Im just not continuing to write, so I guess its better deleted, mate :)

[indebted]

Oh I write about a Clan named MistClan. Purely coincident. But it's great so far! Marking.

[crescent + cheep]

Oh I write about a Clan named MistClan. Purely coincident. But it's great so far! Marking.

Thank you (: