within my head • a place for me to balance my thoughts

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

I listened to your album again today
It's good, you have some great stuff
That song though, the one about me?
You changed it.
And I know why,
I get it.
I'm sorry this didn't work out quite like you wanted
Things never really do.
And then the other one,
Where you sing about being tired of trying...
Did you write that shortly after
We had that rough day?
I would be tired too.
I don't blame you.

In fact, don't blame yourself at all.
We just had different interests,
And it wouldn't have worked out.
You were interested in more,
While I was interesting in building a friendship

Let's just be friends, please?
You're a great musician, and I'm rooting for you
Thank you for the albums, Oz.L.

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

Merry Christmas, grandma.
I hope heaven's swell.
Tell Jesus I'm thankful he paid the price for us,
If you wouldn't mind.
Please tell grandpa I miss him too,
And Pampa Frank as well.
It's weird now having holidays without you.
It doesn't really seem like you're gone,
But you are, and its hard.
I wish I spent more time with you,
I'm sorry I didn't call.
You've been with God for almost 3 months now,
But to me it still feels like you're only 20 minutes away.
We're going over to John's tomorrow.
That's weird too.
Its like, because you're gone,
Your sons want to at least try to be brothers again.
I'm glad they're trying,
But I wish it wasn't prompted in the way it was.
They fell apart when grandpa left,
But they're coming together because you did.

Thank you for all that you've done for us,
And all the things you somehow continue to do.
I love you, and merry Christmas, Grandma.

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

i cried at school today
i couldnt stop
it was embarrassing

i hate essays


i'm such a weak human being this shouldnt be as bad as it is


i cant even write good prose


! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

knee pain
back ache
I feel so old

aches and pains
hurting bones
stretching only helps a bit
nothing seems to really fix it

I dont want to grow any older
I've already got
badJoints

my knees ache
right below the cap
and I guess its from sitting
but I can't really help it

hopefully it just goes away
I just need rest
its been a long day

goodnight bones
rest easy muscles
tendons and ligaments take it easy too
badJoints sleep well
I still love you

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

I keep having dreams with my cat in them, like last night it was as if she was just lost outside my house for a while. Upon getting back home with my brother with some groceries (one of which was cat litter), I tried to look for her. I went inside and put the litter in her box, and stepped back out and looked out at the front yard desert before me, and said "Panda, if you're still out there, can you hear me? Here, kitty kitty.." And I mewed to her a few times and suddenly there she was sitting on the rocks just in my line of sight between some cactus. I went over and picked her up, and took her and the rest of my things inside. After coming out of my room then, my mom was going to tell me the good news of Panda being back home, and I told her I found her, and she said she had just written me a note about it, and I walked down the hall and saw my cat on the couch; I don't remember anymore, but I can only hope I sat next to her and hugged her for a very long time. She died February 8th, 2014, but I haven't dreamt of her until recently. I miss her like crazy.

//this is the longer version of what is in my signature

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

Models are so pretty, with their 33 sized busts, 25 inch waists, and 35 inch hips.
What if I told you I was close to perfection too.
I'm only 7 inches too short to be an idolized VS model, and my bust is 3 inches too large.
Otherwise, I could do it too.

Image is shoved down our throats so constantly.
Its a large pill to swallow, especially for things you can't change.
I can't grow 7 inches taller. I can't shrink my ribcage a few inches.
I can't be a supermodel, because of the cards I was dealt.

I'm not going to complain though.
I dont need to be idolized by millions.
I just need to feel loved by those I love myself,
And to feel loved I my own skin.

I love myself, and even though I wont be a supermodel, I'm happy just the way I am.
In the words of my boyfriend, "Nah, you're perfect how you are".

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

I want to enjoy being here
But my neck hurts
And my limbs ache
And its a little bit cold.

The mattress is air,
Which isn't so bad,
But its hard to get comfortable.

The pillow is flat
And thats not a problem
But it seems like it caused a kink in my neck.

I love all of you
I really do
But I don't want to lay here for 3 more hours
If you know what I mean.

Lets get up at 6 and I'll sleep on the couch.

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

graduate
what does that mean

for most it means they're free
free from drama
the people they loathed
the ones they trusted
the ones they betrayed

free from requests of permission
from schedules
from curfews
from bed times
from chaos

free from people you loved and adored
but also from the people you disliked and loathed

...

i too am free
but not in all ways

i'm free from the dramas of high school
but my parents still keep me in chains
requesting permission is not an unusual thing

they want to grow up, mature, and decide things
but the also wont allow me to make my own decisions
or go out on my own with out telling them where
or do anything without prior knowledge, and a plan

i know its just because they care
but its driving me insane
with mixed messages daily
and disappointment when i didn't get things clearly

am i allowed to be an adult,
or do i still need to ask permission for that too?

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

I like that song


....

two and a half hours,
if not more.
"no" I said, "you can't go home"
"I can't let go,
because then it will be real"
I dont want it to be real.
I'm lonely. I miss you.
I'm still crying but I'm so F.ing tired.
"dont give up"
"i already did"
"i know"
...
"I love you"
"I love you too"

Thats why I dont want you to give up.
I didn't want you to leave.
I'm sorry it was hard and imperfect.
I wish I was worth it. </3

I'm too tired to write more,
But I doubt I'll forget this.
Its just one of those things that stays,
Like a really bad dream, living in your memory.
I'd much rather this were a dream.

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

we met yesterday
at this same time
at a mcdonalds down the way
to talk about us

---what about us

they werent serving breakfast
but we decided to stay
and you go some food
but i just got a drink

---i hadnt had anything to eat

we sat at a table
for two
like that was normal
facing each other and next to a window

---there was a dead bird outside

we were in a state of limbo
i suppose
between happy and sad
break up and relationship

---i almost threw up from crying earlier that morning

when we sat down
it wasnt normal
none of it was normal
"this feels weird" i said

---you agreed

we talked
we sat
there was silence
and observance

---i was fidgeting the whole time

an hour and a half
we sat at that table
and worked some things out
it was hard

---its always been hard

we walked around then
and spent more time together
before parting ways
i went left and you were right

---it was very hot out

...
...
...

i got back
took a nap
ate two slices of banana break
while watching parks and rec

---i had 4 hours of sleep the night it happened

we were texting
and then i had chores
things to get done
listening to twenty one pilots on pandora

---it wasnt bad

around 7 pm we made plans
and i grabbed my swimsuit
and met you at your place
we went swimming

---i had fun

we left at 10:30
and took you home
and ate some food
and joked about your cat

---hes a spaz

back outside
we hugged a lot
and kissed once
and i left at 11:17

---i lied to my mom about being back already

i got back at midnight
and went to bed half an hour later
had a hard time sleeping again
but got up at 8

---not too bad

im sorry
i love you
im not ready
to give up on us

---but im still emotionally distraught - and dealing with that is one of the hardest things