{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } A Thread For Writers

[vulturous]

i don't believe rose is online yet and since i am resigning soon, i will not create a new thread unless i'm told to.
you can continue posting here until then.

[Exia]

Username: Exia
What we will call you: Erm, Exia?
Will you critique other's work?: Possibly.
Links to your story if you have any: Eh, if I ever post any.
Anything you want us to know?: Nope.

[Zoruakat]

With a smirk, I recognize my Master trying to stop me. I was so close to the exit, I could see it. I'd be the first one let out of the game. I did it! I though gleefuly, a meter away from the door. Suddenly, my power bar was cut down to half. I turned around slowly, expecting Ginger to be standing there, holding his infamouse Shocker Ray. Instead, I saw Echo, my Master, and screamed.
"I won't let you get away. Not after what you did." He growled.
I simply glare, and turn around, reaching my hand out to the door knob, my fingertips barely touching it.

Should I continue?

[Cherry]

With a smirk, I recognize my Master trying to stop me. I was so close to the exit, I could see it. I'd be the first one let out of the game. I did it! I though gleefuly, a meter away from the door. Suddenly, my power bar was cut down to half. I turned around slowly, expecting Ginger to be standing there, holding his infamouse Shocker Ray. Instead, I saw Echo, my Master, and screamed.
"I won't let you get away. Not after what you did." He growled.
I simply glare, and turn around, reaching my hand out to the door knob, my fingertips barely touching it.

Should I continue?

It's kind of written in a way that it seems like an account of their day and not what's happening/happened. "Suddenly, my power bar was cut in half." It's telling us that it happened, but it doesn't sound right. Don't just tell your reader things.
Also, infamous doesn't have an e at the end.
It sounds like a good plot, though. I'd continue if you feel it's worth your time.

[Zoruakat]

Thanks, Cherry. It's based off of a dream I had, which I based an RP off of... So I wanted to see if it was interesting. Would you keep reading if there was more?

[wicked;]

Previous Username: ѕтαяяу єує∂.
New Username: Acoustic.
What you'd like to be called now: Acoustic or Sheerio. (:

[epimetheus]

Username: perfect weapon;
What we will call you: weapon, chaos, jynx... just NOT perfect.
Will you critique other's work?: yes
Links to your story if you have any: none at the moment :c
Anything you want us to know?: hm... not really

[Zoruakat]

Weapon... Luv your avatar! Sebastian, Black Butler, right?



I think I might try third person...


With a smirk, Zorua recognized her Master trying to stop her. She was so close to the exit, she could see it. Zorua'd be the first one let out of the game. I did it! She though gleefuly, a meter away from the door. Suddenly, her power bar was cut down to half. She turned around slowly, expecting Ginger to be standing there, holding his infamous Shocker Ray. Instead, Zorua saw Echo, her Master, and screamed.
"I won't let you get away. Not after what you did." He growled.
She simply glares, and turns around, reaching her hand out to the door knob, fingertips barely touching it.

Is this better?

[Cherry]

Thanks, Cherry. It's based off of a dream I had, which I based an RP off of... So I wanted to see if it was interesting. Would you keep reading if there was more?

Maybe. The plot would have to be clearly defined, and since I was thrown into it (which isn't a bad thing, actually) it was hard to tell the plot. If you get thrown in, it can seem like the writer just pulled a plot out of thin air. I've done that and I sure hope it isn't obvious to others...
I'm not much for planning, but planning a video game would probably be a ton of fun, so if you like world building I'm sure you'll enjoy that!
Edit: (I was working on this before you posted)
Yes, it's better. You did change tenses though, from past to present.

[Zoruakat]

Thanks, Cherry! I'll be sure to send you a link when I finish it ^^