Criticism Appreciated, Feel free to post!!!
Tell me what you think :)
•yes this is suppost to be a very choppy story line :)
•This story is about a 15 year old girl named Jamie
•The narrator is kinda like a voice that is not hers inside her head
{hope that helps this make more sense}
Tell me what you think :)
•yes this is suppost to be a very choppy story line :)
•This story is about a 15 year old girl named Jamie
•The narrator is kinda like a voice that is not hers inside her head
{hope that helps this make more sense}
•#10+ THE STORY GETTS PRETTY DARK AND CAN BE SCARY TO YOUNGER PEOPLE
βℓαcκ.Ɩиκ wrote:
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[URL=http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1199710][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/MhBQ45m.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
~•PART ONE•~
Table Of Contents :
PART ONE: no. 1-10 ~post #1 (here)
PART TWO: no. 11-20 ~post #2 (below)
PART THREE: no. 21-30 ~ {if I get this far - post 3}
((post #4 is advertizing my other writings))
PART ONE: no. 1-10 ~post #1 (here)
PART TWO: no. 11-20 ~post #2 (below)
PART THREE: no. 21-30 ~ {if I get this far - post 3}
((post #4 is advertizing my other writings))
~•PART ONE•~
Introduction
This is Jamie.
she has no memory of her past
people don’t get her
and who am I?
lets say,
I know her
inside and out
she wants me to get out of her head
tough luck Jamie
1.
Some people have a stutter
a twitch
a problem
a phobia
But do you have a glitch?
a second of blindness,
lightning shooting through your brain
and it all goes black.
The floor is cold
At least you can't see the people staring
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
The floor is still cold, but sight has come back.
sitting in the hall in your school
yes people are staring but at least they say nothing
because you don't reply
you gave up on speaking months ago
because people stopped listening
they think you are lying
glitches are fake
you only want attention
of course they want to think that
even the small amount of attention you got before
that was too much for you
people stare
you stare back
is that considered intimidating?
staring back?
well you are still a freak.
that never changed.
and every one knows it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.
Students are cleared
but teachers stare just as much
After Shock settles
you have sat there for several minutes
teachers, the adults
the mature ones
are still uneasy about gathering you
you, a 15 year old girl
they still hesitate before moving
stopped dead by your eyes
bright green and flaring
from under your short black hair
they can see that you have been watching the commotion
silent as always,
seeing the concern
the confusion
fear
hatred
Makes you feel great
huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.
Ushered towards the office
to the phone
they all pray this time you will speak
talk to your mom yourself
explain you glitched
for the sixth time this month
you disappoint
you always do
you are human
disappointment follows being human
your form of human is simply
Disappointing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5.
You feel smothered by
people surrounding you
peoples concern for you
even the feel of eyes on you
so weak.
you even feel smothered by the heat
the heat inside your "mom's" car
sweating in the passenger's seat
you may have a "mom" for now
but foster parents always give up on you
they always do
but you have to give her credit
she is only 26
she comes and picks you up
and deals with the silence
don't feel guilty
don't worry Jamie
she will leave soon
just like the others
It will be just us
Alone again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.
You can’t feel that alone
I talk to you
I'm always with you
in this sad sad little head
Try and be as silent as you can
unless you stop thinking you always reply
we have such lovely little conversations
don’t we
you get a life lesson or two
I explain what you don’t get
and I help you understand this pain
Yes
go to this happy place of yours
the one that will never be
Real parents
no me
…
It’s amusing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7.
You Sit in the dark corner of this old class room
you are pale
skinny
and have scary eyes
but
you are not a vampire,
you little imbecile
Eventually you will need to find a person
a freak like you
I hear there is a Circus nearby
…...
Stop!
these stupid pointless thoughts!
you don't want to go
your afraid
shut up.
communicate with some one else
your nagging thoughts are
irritating
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.
Insane
your just thinking of this now?
of course.
don't think of me as a delusion
haven't I been the only one....
the only friend to talk to you
every one else thinks your a freak
I’m just the only one to tell you the truth.
Does having a friend
even if inside your head
make you insane?
You are more dull than I thought
I’m obviously real.
you hear me.
I see you...
if only on the inside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9.
Oh you wimp
you have been panicking too much
why would you be afraid
of me you say?
A voice
me
scary
Stop crying,
staining your shirts does nothing
your weak heart will still hurt
Oh so this is about that phone call
the one to foster-care you over-heard
...
we're going back
figures
doesn't it?
The more glitches you have
less people have hope
in you
At least there will be:
a new house
new "family"
new school
more chances you will have
chances to prove you are
to put lightly
Worthless
Ugh,
And the water works begin again...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10.
Now look what you’ve done
You are sitting here
siting in the corner of your room
weeping
You really thought you had a chance
one to stay with your fake mom
to be loved
you still had hope
Hope.
you crushed it all
all by your self
…
And me?
you think I have part in killing the hope?
You want me gone.
You hate me.
If I was gone
who would care for you
who would tell you the reality of your self
and talk to you
Do you really want me to leave?
The first thing you say out loud
the only thing in months
Stop Stop Stop
muttering in your corner
do you want to be sent to the asylum
your already here in foster care
I say, stop stop stop to you
your not helping your self
Maybe nothing can help you
have you thought of that?
is there a point
...
to you?
What purpose do you have?
no one loves you
your just
...
The freak of nature
or to some,
the fake
I know how to make myself go away
as well as
the glitches
the staring
the pain
Don’t you want that?
Have you thought of a gun
put it close to your ear
and you wont be able to hear me
and every thing can
…
End
Introduction
This is Jamie.
she has no memory of her past
people don’t get her
and who am I?
lets say,
I know her
inside and out
she wants me to get out of her head
tough luck Jamie
1.
Some people have a stutter
a twitch
a problem
a phobia
But do you have a glitch?
a second of blindness,
lightning shooting through your brain
and it all goes black.
The floor is cold
At least you can't see the people staring
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
The floor is still cold, but sight has come back.
sitting in the hall in your school
yes people are staring but at least they say nothing
because you don't reply
you gave up on speaking months ago
because people stopped listening
they think you are lying
glitches are fake
you only want attention
of course they want to think that
even the small amount of attention you got before
that was too much for you
people stare
you stare back
is that considered intimidating?
staring back?
well you are still a freak.
that never changed.
and every one knows it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.
Students are cleared
but teachers stare just as much
After Shock settles
you have sat there for several minutes
teachers, the adults
the mature ones
are still uneasy about gathering you
you, a 15 year old girl
they still hesitate before moving
stopped dead by your eyes
bright green and flaring
from under your short black hair
they can see that you have been watching the commotion
silent as always,
seeing the concern
the confusion
fear
hatred
Makes you feel great
huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.
Ushered towards the office
to the phone
they all pray this time you will speak
talk to your mom yourself
explain you glitched
for the sixth time this month
you disappoint
you always do
you are human
disappointment follows being human
your form of human is simply
Disappointing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5.
You feel smothered by
people surrounding you
peoples concern for you
even the feel of eyes on you
so weak.
you even feel smothered by the heat
the heat inside your "mom's" car
sweating in the passenger's seat
you may have a "mom" for now
but foster parents always give up on you
they always do
but you have to give her credit
she is only 26
she comes and picks you up
and deals with the silence
don't feel guilty
don't worry Jamie
she will leave soon
just like the others
It will be just us
Alone again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.
You can’t feel that alone
I talk to you
I'm always with you
in this sad sad little head
Try and be as silent as you can
unless you stop thinking you always reply
we have such lovely little conversations
don’t we
you get a life lesson or two
I explain what you don’t get
and I help you understand this pain
Yes
go to this happy place of yours
the one that will never be
Real parents
no me
…
It’s amusing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7.
You Sit in the dark corner of this old class room
you are pale
skinny
and have scary eyes
but
you are not a vampire,
you little imbecile
Eventually you will need to find a person
a freak like you
I hear there is a Circus nearby
…...
Stop!
these stupid pointless thoughts!
you don't want to go
your afraid
shut up.
communicate with some one else
your nagging thoughts are
irritating
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.
Insane
your just thinking of this now?
of course.
don't think of me as a delusion
haven't I been the only one....
the only friend to talk to you
every one else thinks your a freak
I’m just the only one to tell you the truth.
Does having a friend
even if inside your head
make you insane?
You are more dull than I thought
I’m obviously real.
you hear me.
I see you...
if only on the inside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9.
Oh you wimp
you have been panicking too much
why would you be afraid
of me you say?
A voice
me
scary
Stop crying,
staining your shirts does nothing
your weak heart will still hurt
Oh so this is about that phone call
the one to foster-care you over-heard
...
we're going back
figures
doesn't it?
The more glitches you have
less people have hope
in you
At least there will be:
a new house
new "family"
new school
more chances you will have
chances to prove you are
to put lightly
Worthless
Ugh,
And the water works begin again...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10.
Now look what you’ve done
You are sitting here
siting in the corner of your room
weeping
You really thought you had a chance
one to stay with your fake mom
to be loved
you still had hope
Hope.
you crushed it all
all by your self
…
And me?
you think I have part in killing the hope?
You want me gone.
You hate me.
If I was gone
who would care for you
who would tell you the reality of your self
and talk to you
Do you really want me to leave?
The first thing you say out loud
the only thing in months
Stop Stop Stop
muttering in your corner
do you want to be sent to the asylum
your already here in foster care
I say, stop stop stop to you
your not helping your self
Maybe nothing can help you
have you thought of that?
is there a point
...
to you?
What purpose do you have?
no one loves you
your just
...
The freak of nature
or to some,
the fake
I know how to make myself go away
as well as
the glitches
the staring
the pain
Don’t you want that?
Have you thought of a gun
put it close to your ear
and you wont be able to hear me
and every thing can
…
End
