The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[Papyrsatyr]

I'm glad everyone likes the idea. ^ ^;

[AlbertaBound]

YES! This is an awesome idea, Fiend. ;D *scurries off to critique TaN forms*

[bearlygrunge]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Autumn.Zephyr
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=53904&start=2700#p3413201
Adoption Agency you are applying for: TaN
Deadline for your form: Monday, tomorrow. . . >.<
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either, perhaps PM. I'm not feeling too confident about it yet. x3

Just so you know it's not finished. . .

[Papyrsatyr]

Just a little heads up it would be great if you could take the time to review and critique another person's form...kind of a "pass it on" sort of thing and you may get critique faster.

However It may just be me and the morning don't mix and I'm spouting nonsense again. ^ ^

[bearlygrunge]

Will do! -goes to poke around-

[Minkeh]

This is an awsome idea! :3 I'll be back next time i submit a form!

[bearlygrunge]

This is a critique for azalea!
Who the critique is for: azalea's application form for Akari the Smili in TaN.
What you had to say about it: Firstly, I enjoyed the beginning section before you told Akari's story. It seemed very real to me. But, I didn't really see any personal struggle with negative personality traits, which in my opinion is important to make your character very viable.

The sun grinned down upon the land, basking the earth in warm sunshine.

In my personal opinion, I think this sentence may sound better if you were to say, "The sun grinned down upon the land, basking the earth in it's warmth." But, that's just an opinion. ;]

her unusually dark-furred little brother.

A little confusion here. The only explanation I can find for this is that after Akari's parents became a pair they had Akari within the first year and then her little brother the next. This is correct? Otherwise, Akari's parents are dead, so that doesn't really work out.
I also really liked the way you explained Akari's tail markings! D'aw! :3 The pace of the story is very good, as well.

His appeared shamed at himself

I think you're trying to say, "He appeared ashamed of himself." Yes? Then where exactly does this take place? In my mind, the name tells all. So, it would seem like Japan, but when I think prairie, I think of the U.S. Other than that, very good! xD

[azalea]

This is a critique for azalea!
Who the critique is for: azalea's application form for Akari the Smili in TaN.
What you had to say about it: Firstly, I enjoyed the beginning section before you told Akari's story. It seemed very real to me. But, I didn't really see any personal struggle with negative personality traits, which in my opinion is important to make your character very viable.

The sun grinned down upon the land, basking the earth in warm sunshine.

In my personal opinion, I think this sentence may sound better if you were to say, "The sun grinned down upon the land, basking the earth in it's warmth." But, that's just an opinion. ;]

her unusually dark-furred little brother.

A little confusion here. The only explanation I can find for this is that after Akari's parents became a pair they had Akari within the first year and then her little brother the next. This is correct? Otherwise, Akari's parents are dead, so that doesn't really work out.
I also really liked the way you explained Akari's tail markings! D'aw! :3 The pace of the story is very good, as well.

His appeared shamed at himself

I think you're trying to say, "He appeared ashamed of himself." Yes? Then where exactly does this take place? In my mind, the name tells all. So, it would seem like Japan, but when I think prairie, I think of the U.S. Other than that, very good! xD

negative personality traits? Well I tried to include her extreme stubbornness in the tail story, you know, her defiantly raising her tail up higher to spite her mom Cx ...but I suppose right now she does seem too perfect? I'll work on that.

mhm, okay...that does sound a little more fluent Cx

yes, in their first litter, only Akari survived. In their second, only Akari's brother survived. And then the fire happened. Akari was found, but he wasn't until after the fire was put out. I was going to explain it in his background because I'm planning on adopting one like him too, plus I have no more room xD

Thank you very much <3

xD yes, I was. darn typos!

Well, It's kind of indefinite right now. I like to think of it as my own little world C:


Thank you so much for helping me! C8

I PMed my critique for you as thanks C:

This is a critique for DarkAngel52!
Who the critique is for: DarkAngel52's TaN form for Oz
What you had to say about it:

I don't have much to say since I couldn't find much wrong with your form Cx
Personally, I adore your character now. He reminds alot of one of my friends, very laid-back and always joking C8

The only thing is that I want to see his likes and dislikes in the background. Don't tell me he hates birds, show me he hates birds.

Overall, it's great. I think you definitely have a chance C:

This is a critique for Nawee!
Who the critique is for: Nawee's Agency form for Harmony
What you had to say about it:

I was born in a small town somewhere you don’t need to know.

This sounds strange to me...as if Harmony is very secluded and private and doesn't want me to know. I would just put "I was born in a small town." but that's my opinion.

I jump into his car and fell asleep.

A problem with verb agreement here. I think you meant jumped right? C:

Okay, that were all the grammar errors I could find...

I think Harmony attacking her dad was a little sudden...If you mentioned somewhere that after her mom died, her dad began hitting her, it would make more sense to me C;

Now, I have a problem with the ending. It's so sudden. It feels incomplete, not a good ending that leaves me satisfied. Her attacking the dad, is the climax am I correct? Well, from there onwards, you sorta rush into the ending which I find very unsatisfactory (that's me, sorry. I can't stand endings in stories that aren't rounded and complete, unless they are meant to be cliffhangers XD). I think you need to elaborate more into the ending. Talk more about the stranger's car, about how she knew immediately that she was safe in the shapeshifter community, etc.

Other than that, I think you have a really great, sold form. C:

[Cirque]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Cirque
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&p=3435643&hilit
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goennec~
Deadline for your form: I don't know exactly, but I believe it is soon
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both
And on a side note, I'm against this person viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&hilit and I'd love it if someone could tell me who has the better chance of winning.

[Lily Benet]

Bookmarking!