Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Are you a writer or a poet? Come and share your creations with us, or discuss writing techniques with others
Forum rules
Please only post your own original work, do not post poetry or stories which were written by someone else.

Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby Paradise; » Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:35 am

Image

"Come on. Come on." The faint whisper of cheers carried through the breeze right up to the clifftop; my clifftop. My own personal seat to watch the race. I could see everything from here. The sea was angry today. It slapped the shore and threw debris onto the beach; the beach that was already marked with hoofprints. Today was race day. The Selrahki horses had awaited this day all year long. For today there would be blood shed. The horses would have the freedom to feast. Race day was always a day filled with the sight of death, every year there were bodies left lifeless on the shore. Selrahki horses were always hungry for fresh meat, especially fresh human meat, and once the race began, they wouldn't hesitate to give in to that hunger deep inside.
My heart pounded in fear. My sister was in this race, aboard a magnificent bay; a fire Selrahki. I watched as my sister climbed onto the mare's back, and my hands formed into fists. My stomach fluttered with butterflies as if I was the one in the race, not just someone watching on the side lines. The bell rang through the air and they were off. Screams filled the ocean air. Human screams alongside the screams of things that were far from human, far from natural. The sand was smeared with blood. I wanted to close my eyes and let the scene fade into a distant memory, something that wasn't real, but I had to find my sister. I had to make sure she was alive. My eyes searched the beach for her long blonde hair. I caught sight of her at the front of the herd. A quiet cheer slipped through my lips, but it was short-lived. A black mare surged through to the front, right beside my sister's bay. The black's neck snaked out towards my sister's arm, and teeth met flesh. There was a loud screech of pain, and I watched my sister fall. A ribbon of bright red blood streamed from the black's mouth. The bay took off, away from the beach, away from all the horror and blood splatter. The mare left behind the limp body of a girl with long blonde hair.


Four years. Four races since the year my sister rode. The year my sister rode the bay and died. The memory of that race was the clearest memory I had. Every detail, every second of that race was imprinted into my mind. Nothing could ever make it fade from my memory. Part of me wanted to forget, to just pretend she'd moved away, but the other half of me clung onto the memory, the only image of my sister that was still intact. In three days I would be able to fufill my sisters one dream in life; to win the Scarlette Shore Race. My sister had been aboard a breathtaking bay the day of the race four years ago; the same bay I had gone and follow after the race. I had managed to re-capture it and would be riding it myself in the race this year. For two months all those who had volunteered to ride in the race had been hard at work training their Selrahkies. Edera, the bay, was a fire Selrahki, meaning she's known for her strength and determination. There are three types of Selrahki horses; fire, earth and water. Earth Selrahki are known for their stamina and intelligence. The last type of Selrahki, water, are known for their exceptional speed and agility. The Selrahki horses are mysterious, horrible creatures. They were first discovered when the inhabitants of the island started to notice some of their people disappearing. One day they all gathered and stood at the beach, thinking ships were coming in and taking people to the mainlands. What they found was way more terrorfying than any of them could have imagined. A herd of what appeared to be horses feeding on meat. Human meat. Some of the people tried to capture these beasts. Few were successful. Many died that night. Those who managed to stay alive and climb aboard these horses soon discovered they were like no horse they'd ever rode before. These beats were powerful and strong. Pure muscle. That very night, those who captured one of the horses raced. They raced across the beach and like the wind, they were unseen. Too fast for the human eye. Since that night every year on the exact date, people capture themselves one of these horses. They spend two months trying to tame these horses and trying to not get eaten. Then, they race the horses and try to not be killed by any of the other horses or their own. Those who actually manage to cross the finish line in first place are almost given the title of royalty and are showered with riches only those from the mainland have. It was a great honor to be the winner of the race; except losing usually meant sacrificing your life.

The sound of hooves hiting wood is what woke me from my thoughts. Edera was in her stall pacing. She tended to pace her stall the closer we got to race day. Every year I would stay in the barn watching her in her stall during the race. I hadn't watched one of the races since the year my sister was killed. Instead I studied Edera and her habits. I had spent four years training her, training her to do what she'd failed to do the first time. Win the race, but to keep her mount safe. A Selrahki horse can never be trusted, including Edera but she was one of the few that you didn't normally have to continously watch. I wasn't always afraid I'd lose an arm or something. However you would never catch me turning my back to her, ever. I still cherished my life and all and I wasn't about to lose it over trying to prove Edera was trustworthy. I was well aware she wasn't. My family hated me spending all my time with this creature. They were afraid she might eat me or something. Something Edera has probably pondered over on numerous occasions. I had six siblings, four brothers and two sisters. My father worked at the local butcher and my mother died two years ago in child birth along with the baby. My family was devastated. For a month I stayed away from the stable and during that period of time Edera's wild side had re-formed. It took me months upon months to get anywhere near the level of training I had accomplished with her. Looking at Edera now most would just see the muscle upon muscle. Her strength was remarkable and she weighed almost two hundred pounds more than the average horse. I wasn't afriad of her usually, but every year the closer it got to race day, the scarier Edera became. She would pace her stall and whinny out towards the sea. I stood in the barn aisle and tried to build the courage to walk into her stall. Grasping the lead rope tightly in my hands I take a cautious step forward and lift the stall latch. The mare reared up on her hindquarters and struck out at me. I slammed the door shut just in time and I could hear hoof hitting wood. My whole body cringed at the sound a it vibrated through the barn. Edera's nostrils flared up and she let out a whinny that almost came close to sounding like a scream.

"Whoa. Easy girl." I murmered hoping the words would soothe the worked up horse. They mostly just calmed me down. I took a deep breathe and walked into the stall. Instantly Edera reacted and lunged forward with her teeth bared. With swift and experienceds hands I managed to clip the leadrope to her halter, getting away with only a minor scrap. Droplets of blood hit the stall floor and I watched them fall. The smell of blood and sweat filled my nose and quickly remembered where I was and who I was with. Snapping the leadrope, I got controle of Edera and we walked out of the stall together, side by side. I didn't trust her enough to walk behind me, I always kept her at my side. That way I would be able to react in time if she decided to try and take a bite of me. The walk down to the corral calmed down Edera and her head was lowered in submission. Once we entered the corral I turned her loose and picked up my whip. With a quick snap of the whip Edera was off. She ran around the large corral; tail streaming out behind her like a banner. It was a sight to see. Her chocolate brown coat glistened in the sun and her head was held high in pride. If I didn't know better I would have thought her to be a regular horse, but I did know better and kept my full attention on Edera. I spent about twenty minutes working her in the corral in an attempt to burn all the un-necessairy energy. When her head was finally lowered and the majority of the spunk worked out of her I pulled her into the middle with me. I tied her to one of the fence posts and worked a brush over her sleek body. With confident hands I got all the mud out of her coat and reached for my saddle. It was the saddle my sister had used in the race four years ago. It was hand made by my mother years ago. It was old and threatened to fall apart but I loved it. I loved all the scratches in the leather, all the permanent mud marks and even the drops of blood that had dried onto the saddle. My thumb trailed over the blood and a tear slid down my cheek. I wipped it away with my sleeve and put the saddle on Edera. Edera let out a small buck when I did the cinch up. Lucky for me Edera was used to the saddle and the bridle so I had no trouble tacking her up. The metal bit clanged as it knicked one of her teeth that was more like a fang. With steady hands I gripped the reins and a handful of mane, and pulled myself up into the saddle. Edera reared and pulled at the bit. I clung on with no trouble. It was such a common occurence that it no longer even fazed me. Opening the gate the two of us walked out of the gate and into an open field.

Riding a Selrahki horse was almost like flying. You could barely feel the horse's hooves hitting the ground. It all felt so fluid and smooth. Edera's nostrils barely moved and her sides showed no sign of a struggle for air. She tore up the ground and left a trail of ripped up grass wherever she went. The air whipped across my face and I was grateful that I had remembered to put my hair into a ponytail. I barely held the reins, I just clung onto a chunk of mane. If I had only used the reins I would have flowen off Edera's back long ago. No regular horse could ever compete with a Selrahki in speed. It was impossible. I had no fear that with Edera's strength and training I could win the race. She was one of the fastest Selrahki on the island. The only ones that could beat her in speed were the water Selrahki. Although, were Edera lacked in speed she made up for it in strength. The mare had little to no fear of shoving through a crowd and taking the lead. I know for a fact that my sister could have won with this horse; if it had not been for the black horse. The black hadn't won that year though. Instead it had been so blood thirsty it had ripped it's on rider off it's back and killed him. Six people had died that year. My sister among them; along with a groom. It was rare, but sometimes even those not racing were killed. The Selrahki were un-predictable and nearly impossible to control on race day. That's why I could be found riding Edera almost everyday. All the practise and training I could do would help. My train of thought was interupted at the sound of waves hitting the shore. Edera had taken advantage of my lack of concentration and had veered towards the shore. Yanking the reins back, pulling Edera's head right into her chest I got her to slow just before we hit the water. The damp sea air clung to my skin and I could feel the dampness spreading across Edera's neck. She frothed at the mouth and her eyes were white. Hooves cut through the air and for once I wasn't prepared. I flew from the saddle and landed with a thud. The bay mare just stood there and whinnied. I was mesmerized. She hadn't taken off the first chance she'd gotten; she'd just stood there and cried into the wind. I snatched the dangling reins from her neck and breathed a sigh of relief. The two of us just stood there for a while, just staring out into the wind and dreaming about the day to come. Race day; the day I would truely confront death, and hopefully walk away alive.

It was overwhelming. Every second of it. My sense were on high; I could smell the salt from the ocean. I could feel the tension in the air. I could see people and horses everywhere I looked. Lastly, I could hear the screams and the pep talks, I could hear the cries of families as they watched one of their family members climb aboard one of the beasts; one of the Selrahki. Today was race day; the day I'd avoided for four years. The day I had spent four years preparing for. My family had wished me luck as I was leaving but refused to watch my race. I didn't blame them though; I didn't want to be here either. However, I knew it was time for me to once again be apart of race day. Only this time I would be in the race. It was all sureal. My heart hammered in my chest and already Edera had a thin coat of sweat covering her body. Unlike most of the racers, I had been smart enough to saddle back at home. Many were having problems containing their mounts long enough to cinch up a saddle. Edera pranced at my side and let out shrill whinnies. I tried to keep calm for her sake but it was all so stressful; I couldn't help but give in to the tension flowing through the air. The sand was once again marked with hoof prints and I couldn't help but picture my sister's blonde hair blowing in the wind as she fell to her death. I accidently flinched, causing Edera to sidestep and kick out with her back legs.

"Easy now. Easy. It's going to be okay. We just have to run hard and quick girlie. You know what to do. Run. Run as fast as you can and don't let any of the others near us Edera. We'll be fine." my voice quivered towards the end in fear. I believed Edera could cross the finish line in first place; I just wasn't sure if she would end up doing it with me on her back.
"Riders, please mount your Selrahkies. The race will begin in five minutes!" a voice boomed through the sky; almost as if God was speaking to everyone below. I knew it was only the announcer but I still liked to think that God was watching over me on this dreadful day. I hoped my sister and my mother were watching were watching as well, I hoped I would make them proud. I glanced at Edera and took a deep breath. Closing my eyes I felt for the clump of mane I knew so well. Grasping it in my hands I swung my legs up into the saddle. I felt for my stirrups and once my feet were safely inside them I opened my eyes again. Surveying the beach, I could make out twenty two riders. Twenty two Selrahkies to avoid at all costs. I gripped Edera's mane so hard that my fists went as white as the sand below. The sand that would be stained red by the end of the day. As more and more riders mounted their horses the tension in the air got thicker and thicker. It felt like a heavy cloud hanging over my head. I could barely breathe I was so scared.

"Riders. Thirty seconds." Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds until the bell would ring and I would be kicking Edera to bolt ahead, away from the herd. Twenty seconds. My stomach tensed. Fifteen seconds. No one moved. No one even breathed. Seven seconds. An image crossed my mind of a stunning bay running across a field with a girl with blonde hair streaming behind her.

If you'd blinked you would have missed it. In a second they were gone. Edera ran like there was no tomorrow. I just leaned down on her neck and gave her her head. She knew was she was doing. For once, I trusted her. I trusted her to get me home safely. We broke from the herd after about a quarter of the race. I let out a little whoop of joy, I ended up having the words just jammed right back down my throat. The speed they were going couldn't have been possible; wouldn't have been possible if not for Edera's abnormal speed and strength. We had about half the race left when I saw it. The big black blur charging towards us. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be... The black horse put on a fresh burst of speed and was soon beside us. Once again it was the black and the bay, running side by side. The look in the blacks eyes wasn't sane; there was no sanity left in that horse. It's rider sat petrified. He worked up enough nerve to jump ship and he headed towards the sea hoping to escape. The last I saw of him was a giant sorrel chasing him down the water line. The sound of teeth grazing flesh was what brought my attention back to the race. Blood poured from a wound on Edera's neck; it still didn't slow the mare. Instead it urged her on even faster. The black let out a snort of frustration and snapped at me. I screamed when I heard it's teeth snap next to my arm. All the color drained from my face and I kicked Edera's side harder than I would have ever thought to do. Edera pinned her ears and reacted by ramming her shoulder into the black. The black was much smaller than Edera and stumbled, landing on it's knees. I watched in fear as the black attempted to stand back up but was knocked back down by the herd that was following close behind. I could see the finish line just ahead and Edera extended her gait for the final stretch. There was no way that another Selrahki could have caught up to us. The bay and I crossed the finish line in first. Cheers urrupted from the crowds and the sound of pounding hooves filled my ears. The rest of the racers had finally caught up. When everyone slowed to an exhausted walk, I counted the remaining racers. There was fourteen. That meant eight were lost throughout the race. I closed my eyes briefly at the thought. It was too horrible to think of all those left behind, beaten into the sand. No longer recognizable as human; only a bloody, tangled mess.

My name was called and I led Edera into the circle of people. Numerous people backed away, giving the Selrahki space. No one in their right minds would want to be around the beasts on this day. Although, my mare was so tired from her run that I doubt she would have tried to eat anyone. I was given a giant trophy that contained a letter discussing how I would recieve my gifts. They placed a silver crown on my head and gave me a ribbon that could be placed on Edera's halter. I thanked everyone and slowly backed out of the circle. I truely just wanted to go home. It felt great to win but I wasn't too sure if it was really worth it after all. That's when I remembered Edera's wound. It wasn't too deep, but I would have to clean it when I got back to the barn. Edera sighed and chewed the ends of the ribbon I had pinned to her halter. Rubbing her neck, I led her back up the path to my home. Once at the barn I would spoil Edera to the best of my abilities. After all, both of us had just looked death in the eye and walked away with only a few scratches to show of our journey.
Last edited by Paradise; on Tue Sep 18, 2012 4:10 pm, edited 6 times in total.
User avatar
Paradise;
 
Posts: 1912
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:20 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby Paradise; » Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:39 am

I have to write a short story for English class that is a spinoff from a book that I've read. I choose to do The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvator.

I am looking for Critiques on this so I can improve it before I hand it in to my English Teacher. Spelling errors, punctuation errors, sentence structure errors and anything else is wanted.


Thanks,
Paradise


EDIT: { Finished finally. The ending is up. Please feel to tear it apart and let me know all your thoughts and opinions! c: }
Last edited by Paradise; on Wed Sep 19, 2012 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Paradise;
 
Posts: 1912
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:20 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me


Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby scmarshtacky » Mon Sep 17, 2012 12:09 pm

Paradise; wrote:
"Come on. Come on." The faint whisper of cheers carried through the breeze right up to the clifftop; my clifftop.

It slapped the shore and threw debris onto the beach; the beach that was already marked with hoofprints. (You don't need a period with the simicolon.)

Selrahki horses were always hungry for fresh meat, especially fresh human meat, and once the race began, they wouldn't hesitate to give in to that hunger deep inside.

I watched as my sister climbed onto the mare's back, and my hands formed into fists.

Screams filled the ocean air.

I wanted to close my eyes and let the scene fade into a distant memory, something that wasn't real, but I had to find my sister. I had to make sure she was alive.

A quiet cheer slipped through my lips, but it was short-lived. A black mare surged to the front, right beside my sister's bay. There was a loud screech of pain, and I watched my sister fall. A ribbon of bright red blood streamed from the black's mouth.


These are the grammar things that I saw. Hope it helps. :) Your imagery is very good, although you might want to add just a couple of details for clarity. For example, the bay is at the front of the pack, and the next thing we know is that a black mare has come to the front and the sister is knocked off of the bay and dies, or so we assume. My question is how the black horse killed the blond girl. Did it bite her neck and rip her off the bay's back, or did it bite her shoulder, and she fall of her own accord? Do you see what I'm getting at? As a reader, I just feel like there is a small gap in this section.

Anyway, this is very well done. Please don't take my critiques to mean that I don't like it because I do! :D
ImageImage
Image
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello to whoever bothers to read this.
My internet home is on Eldemore,
but I pop into CS every now and again
and linger around several other sites.
I'm an avid anime fan and writer and occasionally
attempt to draw. I welcome any
conversations, so feel free to PM me~

ImageImage
ImageImage
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
User avatar
scmarshtacky
 
Posts: 4711
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:09 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby Paradise; » Mon Sep 17, 2012 12:15 pm

Thank you so much. Don't worry, I'm not offended in any way. Just honored that you took the time to read my story and critique it. I really appreciate it. I will go and fix all those grammar errors right now and try and fill in those gaps. c:

Again, thank you so much,
Paradise
User avatar
Paradise;
 
Posts: 1912
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:20 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby scmarshtacky » Mon Sep 17, 2012 12:59 pm

No problem, I'm glad I could help. :)
ImageImage
Image
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello to whoever bothers to read this.
My internet home is on Eldemore,
but I pop into CS every now and again
and linger around several other sites.
I'm an avid anime fan and writer and occasionally
attempt to draw. I welcome any
conversations, so feel free to PM me~

ImageImage
ImageImage
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
User avatar
scmarshtacky
 
Posts: 4711
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:09 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby Paradise; » Mon Sep 17, 2012 1:05 pm

I've added more to the top post. Critiques are once again welcomed/wanted. c:

Paradise
User avatar
Paradise;
 
Posts: 1912
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:20 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby Paradise; » Tue Sep 18, 2012 10:47 am

{ Bump. More added. }
User avatar
Paradise;
 
Posts: 1912
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:20 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby Paradise; » Tue Sep 18, 2012 1:25 pm

Paradise; wrote:
{ Bump. More added. }
User avatar
Paradise;
 
Posts: 1912
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:20 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Sᴄᴀʀʟᴇᴛ Sʜᴏʀᴇ ; Cʀɪᴛɪǫᴜᴇs Wᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ

Postby haadez_ » Tue Sep 18, 2012 1:39 pm

[It's sounds very good so far, I'm still reading. I like the starting, it's very well written and it makes you want to keep reading c:]
      i miss all my old friends, i think about yall all the time. feel free to pm me whenever guys, i'll always reply ):
      use to be quackity! calfreezy, king, johnson, etc.

      i am an adult, trans, he/him
User avatar
haadez_
 
Posts: 25764
Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 2:50 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests