f l y. {chapter three is wip; looking for crit!}

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f l y. {chapter three is wip; looking for crit!}

Postby winter. » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:21 am

I'm not going to describe the story's plot, as you will just have to find out! ;)
Please feel welcome to post on the thread!
Critiques, questions, and comments are greatly appreciated!


TABLE OF CONTENTS
~ Chapter 1 ~
~ Chapter 2 ~
~ Chapter 3 ~

2/16/13:
Thanks for being patient, everyone! I've been having some Writer's Block lately. Looking for critique still!
Last edited by winter. on Sun Feb 17, 2013 8:10 am, edited 7 times in total.
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f l y. {chapter one}

Postby winter. » Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:50 am

CHAPTER 1
There are only two things of which I am sure: my name is Ivy Hale, and I have been running for as long as I can remember. However, that really isn’t that long.

A few days ago, I awoke to the sight of leaves glowing with the light of sunrise, their branches swaying gently in the wind.
Where am !? I lifted my head and looked around. I was in a small clearing on the forest floor surrounded by nothing but untamed wilderness for miles. Glancing down, I saw that I was wearing only a nightgown, soiled with dirt: my feet were bare, yet clean. How did I get out here? I stood up shakily, my frail legs struggling to maintain balance. I stared at the vast forest around me and realized that I was utterly alone. Panic overtook me: I tried to shout for help, but to my shock … no sound came out. What happened to me? I laid down on the ground, overwhelmed with confusion and terror. I can’t just wait for help. I don’t think anyone knows where I am. I’ll starve to death before I’m rescued. And I’ve been running ever since.

. . . . .

Rocks dig into the soles of my feet, causing them to bleed. Branches whip my face as I speed through the forest. My stomach howls in hunger, but I ignore the pain. Only one thought is on my mind, or perhaps, one image: a boy’s face. I don’t know who he is, but I know that he is what I’m looking for. It is then when I start to wonder: How long have I been running? Where am I going? When will I get there? But then I stop. I don’t know the answers to these questions, and it won’t do any good to keep wondering.

A few hours later, I pass by a small pond. Only then do I realize the burning in my throat.
So thirsty. I stop and kneel down at the pond’s side, cupping my hands and bringing the water to my lips. It is murky and brown, but I could care less: it’s something. I drink until my thirst is quenched, then I rise to my feet. I can’t rest now. I have to find him. Looking down at the pond, I realize something else: I can’t remember what I look like. I try to find a reflection on the water’s surface, but there is only a shadow.

. . . . .

I am running, when without warning, my legs collapse on the ground, my head throbbing with a pain so intense I can’t see, think, or hear. A scream tries to come out, but all that results is a raspy sigh. Black spots cloud my vision. Suddenly, a bright light appears, but it dims as the memory focuses. White walls surround me on all sides. I am wearing the same nightgown, but it is clean and new. I look down to see my wrists strapped to the operating table; I struggle but it is no use. I scream as loud as I can, thrashing violently. A woman in a white coat runs into the room, holding a syringe. She stabs it into my arm and pushes the plunger. I begin to fade, but not before I hear her whisper into my ear: “Don’t worry. You won’t be screaming much longer.”

As soon as the flashback stops, the pain begins to dwindle and my senses return. What was that? I stand back up and look at the sky: the sun is just beginning to set. I try to forget what has just happened and occupy myself with finding a place to sleep for the night. What if there are wolves? I need to get above ground. I glance around at the trees, and one in particular catches my attention. Its trunk is gnarled, with many knobs: easy to climb. I walk up to it, and grab one of the knots, pulling myself up onto its lowest branch. I climb up slowly and carefully, branch after branch, until I’m about 20 feet in the air. I hope I don’t roll in my sleep. I’m so exhausted after days without rest that I nod off almost immediately.

. . . . .

I slam my locker shut, in a hurry to get my next class. As I make my way across campus, I see him. He waves at me, smiling as he passes me by. “Hey, Ivy!” I feel myself smile back; I even blush a bit. I look down at the ground, books in my arms, praying that he didn’t notice.

My eyes flutter open to the sight of sunlight being filtered through the leaves. I am momentarily shocked by my surroundings until I remember where I am. I wish I hadn’t woken up. That was such a good dream. I begin to think about the dream and realize that it was actually a memory. Did I love him? Do I still? I lay in the tree, staring into the clouds: a warm feeling running through me. I see his face in my mind and smile.
Last edited by winter. on Thu Feb 14, 2013 3:24 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: f l y.

Postby winter. » Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:53 pm

It's still a HUGE work in progress, but posting is now welcome!
:)
Image
Image
Image
Image
whose woods these are I think I know
his house is in the village though
he will not see me stopping here
to watch his woods fill up with snow

the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep


c h a r a c t e r s

i'm a lonely teenager who spends all her time on the internet
but you can just call me winter
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Re: f l y.

Postby abbie-sama » Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:56 pm

    Me likey. <3 I think it seems like a good suspense kind of thing and all. However, I know you're going to add more, but I thought I'd say it anyway: I think it needs more for each chapter. The first three actually could have been one whole chapter -- but if you're going to add more then just ignore that.

    And also, it looks good, but for some reason the whole color scheme being like this for all of the story is a bit... hard on my eyes. But I have been at the computer for about eight hours, so... yeah.

    I know that wasn't very helpful, but my mind is deflating. xD
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Re: f l y.

Postby winter. » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:05 pm

;abstract wrote:
    Me likey. <3 I think it seems like a good suspense kind of thing and all. However, I know you're going to add more, but I thought I'd say it anyway: I think it needs more for each chapter. The first three actually could have been one whole chapter -- but if you're going to add more then just ignore that.

    And also, it looks good, but for some reason the whole color scheme being like this for all of the story is a bit... hard on my eyes. But I have been at the computer for about eight hours, so... yeah.

    I know that wasn't very helpful, but my mind is deflating. xD


No, that was very helpful: thank you!
What would you suggest as far as color scheme goes: I wanted to make the dialogue/thoughts stand out.
And I was thinking that the chapters were too short.
Should I just add multiple periods for the breaks in the story?
Image
Image
Image
Image
whose woods these are I think I know
his house is in the village though
he will not see me stopping here
to watch his woods fill up with snow

the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep


c h a r a c t e r s

i'm a lonely teenager who spends all her time on the internet
but you can just call me winter
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Re: f l y.

Postby abbie-sama » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:15 pm

    Yes, I think that the way to separate everything. :3

    And with the colors, I get what you mean. It is great that you want the dialogue to stand out, and that's fine, but on some of the color schemes of CS it might be hard to see light on light. I found myself having to highlight it with copy a few times. But they're still so pretty, I wouldn't want them to be changed. D':
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Re: f l y.

Postby winter. » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:20 pm

Better?
Image
Image
Image
Image
whose woods these are I think I know
his house is in the village though
he will not see me stopping here
to watch his woods fill up with snow

the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep


c h a r a c t e r s

i'm a lonely teenager who spends all her time on the internet
but you can just call me winter
Image
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Re: f l y.

Postby abbie-sama » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:22 pm

    Ah yes. <3 That's much better.
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Re: f l y.

Postby Lady Tuesday » Sun Feb 03, 2013 5:42 pm

I like it! You are very good! I shall continue to stalk as you write more :D
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Re: f l y.

Postby winter. » Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:16 am

@ Creole:
Thank you so very much!
I hope I will have enough muse to finish.
Image
Image
Image
Image
whose woods these are I think I know
his house is in the village though
he will not see me stopping here
to watch his woods fill up with snow

the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep


c h a r a c t e r s

i'm a lonely teenager who spends all her time on the internet
but you can just call me winter
Image
User avatar
winter.
 
Posts: 1835
Joined: Sat May 08, 2010 9:26 am
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