Breathing the fresh air{story in need of Clitique}

[Azalaya]

Breath


Chapter 1
I ran, it was all I could do.My breath raspy and my sides burning as I ran from the monster and its dark,red...BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I woke up startled,my head sweating and my eyes blurry.I reached over and turned my alarm clock off and put on new pair of glasses. My mom twisting in her sleep even though her room was not even close to mine was all I could hear this chilly,December morning. Taking in a deep breathe I heard a clank of a stone hitting my window.I opened it and looked outside to see Amber standing there.Her bright,amber eyes shining when she looked up and smiled,"Hey Aza are you going to get ready or not." looking at me she added "school starts in like 10 minutes!" I looked down at her the same questions filling my head Why did I have that dream again? Finally I yelled back,"Hang on let me throw on some jeans and brush my hair okay?" Running from the window,I quickly got dressed.

Walking outside and I pulled my jacket on.Amber had already pulled her car around and waited for me by the gate. Jumping in the side cab and looking at her I reliezed she didn't even have a jacket on ,"how are you not cold it's below 0 degrees outside!" Amber shrugged and drove away from my bright,blue house like it was cursed.Sitting back, I tightened the necklace around my neck,the one I had ever since the dream started.I shivered and started some small talk,"hey Amber when was the last time we saw Josh?" My eyes questioned her while I was waiting for a response,a response i never got because it happened.One moment we where driving on an open rode the next we were rolling down a hill from being hit from the side. My head was bleeding when we finally stopped,and Amber's arm was cut to shreds.I grabbed out my phone and got out of the car to see where the other driver was but no one was there. Shutting my phone I turned around to find that Amber was gone.I dialed 911,the fear hitting me as I waited for someone to arrive or for someone to jump out and yell gotcha.

It was nearly an hour later when a police officer pulled up.He looked at me and asked,"Are you the driver?" My head hurt but I replied,"no My friend Amber Rose is I was sitting in the passenger seat when we got hit.' The poice officer nodded,"okay we'll keep in touch." He got his car and drove off without telling me anything else.I sighed and started to walk to school still wondering how Amber managed to disappear so quickly.Shrugging the idea off and I finally walked to the school.I walked straight in and went to class forgetting the blood stains on my white shirt and in my hair now staining it. I walked into class seeing the wondering eyes on me and the teacher,who's mouth was wide open.Sitting down in my chair and opening my book, I said aloud,'don't ask me what happened okay?" The class grew silent and I smiled knowing that it seemed like I read their minds.

It wasn't until after the bell rang that everyone crowed me. My eyes glared at them all,"Would you stop crowding me?" I shouted at them ,my anger level rising. They scattered like roaches that had just been exposed to light. That's when I saw him,the new student that everyone was also talking about. His eyes drifted to me but before I could react Ever grabbed my arm.I jumped," Ever,what are you doing!" I shrieked.Laughing Ever said," That's Chris Mal,he's cute isn't
he?" I nodded knowing that Ever was probally going to drag me over there to meet him. Pulling my blonde hair into a pony tail I smiled,"So are we going to introduce our selves or not?" Walking up to him I stuck out my hand to him,"Hi I'm Aza Claire and this is Ever Cinder" Chris narrowed his eyes at us and replied," Chris,Chris Mal nice to meet you I think." He studied me and I shivered as I noticed his red contacts.Ever smiled acting like a total goof and I grabbed her jacket,"Time to leave" I muttered in her ear and said to Chris,"nice meeting you but we have to leave." Ever groaned but didn't object when I pulled her away quickly.We walked into lunch,Ever still mad at me for pulling her away."Ever it was for a good reason,I just don't trust him." My eyes narrowed when I thought of Chris,something about him sent the alarms in my head.

Waiting for the bell to ring,I packed up and threw my trash in the trash.As soon as I heard the bell ring I was the first to leave the school of h**l. Walking to the gates I noticed my batted up chevy truck.Curiousity of how it got here stormed through my brain.I swung the door open and stepped inside and checked to see if there was a note.To my surprise there was and I silently read it outloud,"If you are wondring how your truck got here call the number at the bottom of the page."I glanced down and gasped as I saw the number was dripping wet with blood.Instantly I threw the paper and drove away from the school as fast as I could.

By the time I got home,it was nearly 9P.M.I knew my mom would be mad so I took a deep breathe and walked in.The house was empty and on the wall,written in blood was,"Time is up Azalaya.Your about to meet your worst fear of all...your nightmare." Taking a deep breathe,I looked around for my mom.She was not in the house and their was no blood anywhere else.I shook my head and ran out of the house.


ll add more later}
This is on Booksie.com as Breathing the fresh air

[selenite.]

So far its quite a nice story, the only thing it needs a little work on would be grammar and punctuation. Mostly commas since I believe I found a couple sentences that required them. For instance the first sentence required one between "I ran" and "it was all I could do."
Other than that I believe it has a good plot and I would love to read more in the future! I really do like it :3.
-paper

[Azalaya]

thanks ill go back and fix that

[CeruleanRush]

I agree, nice story so far. :D
Only thing I would edit is the sentence beginnings. "I", "she", and other things like that are really easy to repeat without even meaning to. To change things up a bit, try starting with...
-Prepositions
-With! One of my personal favorites. :D (ex: With loud footsteps I ran to the bush.)
-Similes and Metaphors (Basically as. ex: As graceful as a bird, I danced to the other side of the room.)
Etc, there are lots to choose from. ^^

[Azalaya]

thanks I added some of that

[Azalaya]

More added:)

[rainy.txt]

It's a good story so far, but I suggest you beta your story / find some one to beta it for you. There are still quite a few mistakes/extra words ^^ keep up the good work c:

(btw just in case if you didnt know beta means to read over your story a few times to prevent mistakes)

[Azalaya]

thanks ill work on that.Lately i havent had time due to my roleplayes and school.Im copying it on paper though so during school i can fi everything

[arabmorgan]

Well, firstly, this seems like an interesting beginning! I absolutely love that it started out as a normal day but ended with such a mysterious, possibly supernatural element. Completely unexpected, but in this case the unexpected was great and keeps the reader wanting to know more. I assume it has to do with the new guy c; I liked your descriptions very much, especially "scattered like roaches that had just been exposed to light" and "Curiousity of how it got here stormed through my brain"; it's definitely better than saying "I was curious" xD

Some things you need to fix would be, as mentioned above, the punctuation and spelling. There aren't too many spelling errors, but they're there, and a beta reader would be a good idea, as Christa1910 suggested. I could even do it for you, if you wanted.

Besides that, I think your pacing was a little fast; if you were more descriptive in setting the scene, it would be much better. To me, it felt like the entire day rushed by very quickly. For instance, with "Running from the window,I quickly got dressed" was very abrupt; maybe you could describe what she wore or how she felt. Was she worried that she might be late? Excited for school? This helps your reader relate to the character better. Also, the policeman's reaction to the accident could have been more realistic; Aza had bloodstains on her shirt but he didn't bring her to the hospital or offer help? He didn't ask where the driver was? I understand Amber's disappearance is probably important to the plot, but that scene seemed slightly unrealistic.

It would also be very interesting to find out why Aza had a bad feeling about Chris besides his red contacts; was he sinister? Did he seem untrustworthy? As a reader, I would love to know more about that! The transition from the class to the end of school was extremely abrupt as well, as Ava went from eating to leaving the school, seemingly without any lessons at all. If you added a few of her thoughts or comments about the lessons that day, it might flow more smoothly. It could be as simple as "Math was an absolute bore as usual today" or something like that. Adding details to the last paragraph would help to emphasise the tension and fear too; was the furniture all in order? Did Aza have a bad feeling as she entered the house?

I hope I don't come across as too harsh, I really don't mean to xD These are just some of my thoughts as I read your story, and as I mentioned, the idea is a very good one indeed! I would be interested in reading more of this story; good luck with it!

[Azalaya]

Thank you for that.I guess i need to go hack and slow it down.I actually do need someone to beta it since in Englush i am not the best student...if you have time could you possibly do that? I will be working later today on it and add more details and slow the school day down.

~aza