oh my gosh, i would totally die to have your hair.
you look so nice today!
so how's your boyfriend?
that's what i always hear people say
but then i stand to the side
watching as people become close
"your hair is really pretty"
no it's not
it really isn't
you only say that just to say
"if you only took care of yourself better"
maybe i would if someone actually cared
i don't know how to deal with this
i don't know what to do
self confidence is clearly not my thing
i don't know how to take a compliment
if i get stressed out i snap
i'm not the fairytale girl everyone else is
i have glasses. i'm in band.
why does that set me apart?
why does it think people can call me names?
i'm drowning in an abyss
i keep it hidden from those i care
so they don't die with me
i don't have a boyfriend
i probably never will.
i don't have half the things people have
a father who actually cares?
a brother who i can actually spend time with?
oh, i have a dad and brother, but i can't stand them
i don't have a social life.
why? anxiety. depression.
i'm not a normal human being.
don't tell me it's not healthy to keep it in
i have my own methods of relief.
don't tell me how to live my life.
i want to be me.
i want to be free.
but my self-confidence keeps me from being me.
so what i do is hide behind my books.
i draw and write til i can't do anything.
i drown my world out with music.
i swear to god i'm fine
see? i've made it this far.
my dear friends, i love you.
i just don't want to get you involved.
- because school's coming up and my self-confidence is probably gonna keep sky-diving until i actually break and run away.
i'm actually always stressed out. i was forced to grow up to fast, or so it feels.
i don't look for help because i don't want to bother people.
i only vent if i feel like i'm about to break...
so this is why i'm here. venting. to the public. i hate doing this kind of stuff.
but, knowing the cs colored-in board, i don't have long until this actually disappears into the pages.
for that i'm grateful.
i don't like venting to the public because then people will try and "comfort" me by telling me everything gets better.
that's not what you tell people with depression. people who have low self-confidence.
i don't have any confidence because i was never taught to have anyway.
i shy away from people because i'm afraid of hurting them and being too "weird" for them.
that's why i love this site so much.
why i only hang out with the people i can actually trust. in my case... i really only have one friend i can actually vent to. and i'm so, so grateful for her. she's saved my life multiple times since we've met and... even though i hate venting to her, she can usually make me feel better if i'm not stressed out x1000.
my escape is music, and occasionally band, if either a) i'm not getting yelled at because i have been doing this for three years so i should automatically know what the hell i'm doing or b) i can actually get what i'm trying to do done (like playing runs and stuff) without feeling stressed out to the point of tears. which is what marching band and winter guard occasionally do to me. i hate my responsibility. i hate being the oldest person who plays my instrument. i'm the only woodwind in my grade. i have to be perfect in everything. i don't know how to be normal. i'm either too quiet, too shy, too snippy, too stressed out, or too hyper/weird for people to talk to me. i don't even know why i have friends.
i don't know. i'm just always so stressed out because of my family and my responsibilities. i have trust issues with my dad and most people around me. i can't stand my brother because it seems all he ever wants to do is annoy me. i can't tell my mom anything because when i opened up to her about possibly having depression, she took me to a therapist. which actually didn't help. at. all.
i honestly want to be myself. but with this generation, you have to be perfect. you have to be a popular. you have to make perfect grades on your report cards (and if i get anything below a b- on mine my mom grounds me). you have to be beautiful. you have to have your life figured out. you can't be in band, because the band kids are "losers, geeks, nerds, and weirdos" (we actually aren't). i have stage fright, and am slowly becoming more and more terrified to preform in front of people. i have social anxiety. i have absolutely have no confidence in my writing skills because literally everything popular now-a-days are pretty much poorly-written journals that are the cliche story-line/highschool plot/white girl teen movie scenarios.
i'm not sure how to receive compliments, but i sure as hell know how to give them. i hate seeing people upset. i'm only so kind, caring, and open-hearted to help people with depression is because i know what it feels like. not to belong. i don't vent because i just simply don't want help. to those of you who have been teased for never of had a boy/girlfriend; screw the losers who made fun of you. it's alright. i've never had one. i, for one, am actually better without all the dating drama.
my point is. it's okay to be who you are. if people don't like you for you, then screw them. fitting in isn't mandatory. in fact, i'd prefer if no one had to actually be a "perfect person and fit in". you either have a wonderful personality and are shy and not popular, than be someone who has the worst personality ever and be popular (trust me. these girls people are the worst).
this is actually getting posted too. that takes a crap-ton of confidence for me to do. please don't post on this. i'd quite honestly like this to die. i hate it when people try to help me. i'll just push you out anyway.
i hope everyone is having a wonderful day. i really do.
lines © dissipate.
coloring © me
poem © me
